December 11, 1990

                                    REDNECK.ASC
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       The information in  this paper was excerpted from the Dallas Morning
                     News, Sunday, December 9, 1990 - page 46A

                             If the Boots fit, wear'em
                                 by Donnis Baggett

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       A new book entitled "You Might be  a  RedNeck  if..."  describes the
       traits of the average RedNeck.
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       You're most likely a RedNeck if:

                           Your bicycle has a gun rack.
               Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.
                           You have a rag for a gas cap.
                   You view duct tape as a long-term investment.
                The tires on your pickup are bigger than the tires
                               on your mobile home.

               Your idea of Haute Cuisine is extra-spicy pork skins.

         Most of your friends are named Bob, Joe or Bill (or  a combination
         thereof (Joe Bob, Billy Joe, Joe Bill, Billy Bob, Bobby Joe...).

                    You think Dom Perignon is a stand-up comic.

                Your idea of dressing for dinner is a clean T-shirt
                               and a new gimme cap.
         The brim of our Resistol blocks the view of your rearview mirror.
            Your pickup has more chrome than the Baylor emergency room.
             You consider Hank Williams' birthday a religious holiday.

                You have actually used the four-wheel drive on your
                           truck in the past six months.

                   You look up when somebody says, "Hey, Bubba!"
        Both your wife and your mother look up when you say, "Hey, Mamma!"
               You pay scalper prices for tickets to a tractor pull.
                  You know all the words to FRIEND IN LOW PLACES.
                      Your VCR is programmed to tape HEE HAW.

               Even your good jeans have a circle on the hip pocket.
              Your idea of modern art is a new Silver Bullet poster.
            You think Clint Eastwood deserved an Oscar for DIRTY HARRY.
             Your dream vacation is a trip to Opryland in a Winnebago.
                      Your favorite designer is Levi Strauss.

                       You send a money order to Willie Aid.
                     You get a Christmas card from Tony Lama.
                Your bowling bag and your pool cue case are made of
                          matching genuine virgin vinyl.

                 You're comfortable discussing the relative merits
                       of the Von Erichs vs. the Freebirds.

        You do your Mother's Day shopping at the mudgrip aisle in Wal-Mart.







                    You get excited over a letter that begins,
          "Congratulations! You have already won one of the following..."

                 Your idea of high tech is a set of jumper cables.
                The bed of your truck bears a striking resemblance
                           to a Reynolds recycling bin.
                 You consider Sly Stallone presidential material.

       You Might be  a  RedNeck  is published by Longstreet Press, Atlanta,
       and retails for $4.95.

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